Cold Grey Walls and Rainfalls

I don't even know where to start with this one guys. It's just been an incredibly hard week I'm afraid, and yet so incredibly beautiful. I want to take time to share my thoughts on the church, and the Holy Spirit, and how all of that has been shaping up in my heart and mind, but that will have to wait.

First of all, please continue to pray for Nike. He has been faithfully showed up at every event we've hosted or attended, including a YWAM worship service last night. He came to our football (soccer) tournament award ceremony tonight, and we sang some worship songs, some in English, and after one of them Nike repeated the chorus "He reigns over us". Whether Nike realizes it or not, He does reign over us, and it was so powerful to hear this Thai kid say it. The more time we spend with Nike, the more we love him, and I've just realized it isn't about "saving" people, or doing the "right thing", or being a "good Christian", it's about Christ and Nike. It is about wanting Nike to have the same hope that I have found in Christ.

This is Nike and John. Please be praying for Nike, and for us as we hang out with him. Pray that God would work in Nike's heart, and draw him in closer to the church; that he would know Christ. Also, pray for John, because he and his wife Julie are awesome, and they serve us fruit every morning during devotions.

I've been writing a devotion on the beatitudes for Dave and New City Fellowship. It's a 31 day devotion. It's been hard. Not because I am having problems writing it, but because everyday I work on it, I am saddened by what I read.

I realize that while I have been a Christian since I was about 7 years old, I have not always lived for Christ. Specifically, over the last four years I haven't really lived for him at all. I have had growth spurts, spiritual truisms have presented themselves, I've learned about my Creator, I've had moments of great clarity, but I've never simply lived my life for God. It has always been about me, about getting better, about figuring things out, about getting to a point where I can be happy with my life; live guilt free.

I've been holding a pillow over my head for years, slowly suffocating myself. I've made myself a whore to the world, selling myself the lie that if it doesn't feel wrong, then maybe it really isn't. I've asked God to make everything better without any searching of the scriptures and without any real dependance on God. I have looked to my friends for answers, for models of what Christianity looks like, and none of them could point me to Christ, and I hated them in my heart for letting me destroy myself. I created a life that revolved around the acquisition of stuff in order to fill the void in my heart. Every shirt, every pair of jeans, every cardigan, jacket, pair of shoes, the countless Apple products- a reminder of my insatiable loneliness. A desire for something more.

I worshiped at the alter of approval, and I made myself physically sick in order to measure up to other's standards. I gave everything I had and more to anyone who would take it, and then resented them for "taking advantage of me". I compromised myself countless times, and brought dishonor to the Lord. I was arrogant and prideful; deciding it was better to work for my own salvation than to accept Christ's gift.

I succumbed to hopelessness and despair, and did not trust that the Lord my God had a perfect plan for my life.

Worst of all, I stopped caring. I spoke as a "Christian". I led as a "Christian". I prayed as a "Christian". I advised my friends as a "Christian", but Christ is not what I was about. I turned my back on God; to the point where I was no longer even sensitive to his Spirit inside of me. I felt no compassion; I felt no conviction.

It wasn't until this past spring break that God really started a work in my heart, and began an incredible healing process that literally changed my life. My friend Sergei could testify to the difficult but incredible process I went through over a several week period of recognizing my need for God the Father as well as my own earthly father, and how that changed my life forever.

While what followed was an incredible time of spiritual growth and peace, I still was not grieved over my sin, and still did not feel the Holy Spirit in me, convicting me, leading me. So, that is what I have been praying for ever since I got here to Thailand. I know what I did was wrong, I know what I am doing is wrong, but let me feel that it is wrong. I wanted to mourn my sins, I wanted to be saddened that I was grieving God by committing these sins, and I wanted to be comforted.

Yesterday was particularly hard, for many reasons, none of which I will really go into; suffice it to say they are personal. We ended the night at a YWAM worship service, which was all in Thai, and I honestly didn't want to be there as I was tired, hot, and worn out emotionally.

I started praying. I tuned out everything, and just sat on the floor and prayed. I prayed that God would pour out His spirit in me, and that I would feel the weight of everything I have done. I prayed that though it may be painful, the Holy Spirit would convict me, and lead me, and that I would have the strength to follow. I prayed that my faith wouldn't feel empty, that God would restore to me the compassion I once had; that He would give me the fruits of spirit that I know once were in my life.

As I leaned against the concrete wall of the YWAM building, sitting outside under a stoop, I just begged that God would forgive me, and give me some sense of comfort. A single tear began to roll down my cheek, and as it hit my pant leg, there was a rumble of thunder and the bottom dropped out. It was a downpour that we rarely see in Jackson, MS.

I cried as the rain began to buffet me; it was as if a voice spoke to me saying: "This is my blood, and it was poured out for you. It covers you everywhere you go, and while you will know pain, you will also know great comfort, because I love you. The heavens cry with you."

It was incredible, and as those words were in my heart the Thai band began playing "Blessed Be Your Name" in English, a song that has been put into my life several times over the last two weeks. I couldn't help but sing loudly in praise:

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there is pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
Stil my heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

And for that night, that was the cry of my heart. He gave and he take away, and he will continue to give and take away, and from now on my heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be your name!