Are You Tired?

I believe the first English phrase that most Thais learn must be "Are you tired?" because all of us on the team get asked that question at all hours of the day-- everyday. Then again, most days the answer is "yes". There is something exhausting about being in a foreign culture; especially when you have to strain and think to understand anything anyone says, and you're constantly trying to remember the little bit of Thai that you've learned. Throw in the energy zapping sun, constant activities, and nearly zero alone time, and you have a recipe for exhaustion.

Last night was particularly exhausting as we hosted our second Coffee House event. Somehow I got roped in along with Emily to perform in a Thai dance for the Coffee House, and so for the last week I've been meeting with Pim, Wah, Emily, and two other Thais to learn this traditional dance. I laughed about it leading up to our first practice, but then I really struggled with a lot of frustration. It isn't easy learning how to move in all these different ways at the same time, while staying an appropriate distance from your partner, and staying on beat with the music. I was frustrated that I got roped into something that I didn't really want to be doing, and that it was turning out to be difficult.

The Holy Spirit really convicted me though, and I realized that learning a silly dance may seem like a waste of time to me, but God could use these four days of dance practices just as much as He could use me feeding the homeless.

Everyone on the team has been struggling a bit with feeling like we're really accomplishing anything here, or that we're doing something that we're really good at, or comfortable with. We spend a lot of our time making fools of ourselves. Something I've really had to remind myself is that God has me here for the summer for a reason, and even if I spend my entire summer learning songs and struggling to hold conversations with Thais, He wanted me here doing those exact things. It isn't up to me to figure out what I am supposed to accomplish here. I may not "accomplish" one thing the entire two months I am here by my standards, but I was doing what God had planned for me, and his ways are higher than my ways.

I've really started praying that God would continually have me in a state of uselessness if that is where I need to be to serve His purpose. I would much rather struggle with feeling like I am accomplishing anything, that I'm being effective, or that I'm wasting my time, than on my own strength find some project that I could take ownership of and use to build my own sense of righteousness. I would rather do 100 things poorly, but for the Lord, than find 1 thing that I can use to build my own glory here in Thailand.


I know that may not make sense, but I don't want to miss out on God's plan by locking myself away in a room doing something with which I feel comfortable rather than be out there making a fool of myself for Jesus, and thereby missing out on why I am really here. I'm not here to be good at something, to show people what I can accomplish, to say "look at me", but to serve the will of God.

Case in point, at the Coffee House last night I ended up singing two songs with the band, as well as performing the Thai dance in front of about 50 people. As you can imagine, that took a lot of dying to self as I don't sing or dance. The important thing is that we're getting people involved in the church's campus club, and being a little silly here goes a long way.

We ended up playing "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind; I love that song, and we've been randomly singing it throughout the trip, so it was fun to actually play it for the coffee house. Julie, Lyndsey, and I lead on vocals, while Tim, David, and Charin played drums, guitar, and bass respectively. Then the short-term group from Wisconsin played "Blessed Be Your Name" and their group asked that I help lead vocals since I had practiced with them when they were setting up.

There we some technical difficulties, and I was definitely nervous, so it could have gone a lot better, but it was fun nonetheless. Undoubtedly pictures will be surfacing on Facebook as Tukada was very excited to make fun of me.

Today, we were supposed to go to Mahattai and help with a sports camp, and then take all of the kids to a water park on the roof of one of the malls here (this mall also has a roller coaster that runs along the ceiling of the entire mall). Malls here are ridiculously large and abundant in number. However, with the short-term group being here, they no longer needed our group to help as there are about 30 people in their group. While I missed going to see the kids, and playing with them at the waterpark (who am I kidding, I wanted to play in the water park) I am very thankful for the extra hours of rest this morning, and for the ability to catch up on journaling, reading, and writing the devotional for New City Fellowship.

Well, I am finally starting to miss home. I've missed my family all along, but I am starting to miss the little things now too, like not eating rice three times a day, or being able to talk to anyone on the street. I miss bread. I miss hamburgers above all things. I would kill a cow myself and cook it if I came across one. Oh, and ketchup-- never take that condiment for granted; the Thai version is no comparison, and is a thin, runny, sickly sweet mess.

Additionally, I think I just realized college is over... about five minutes ago. I feel like I wasted my last year in a lot of ways. Then again, I feel like God was preparing me for life after college. I know what I want now, and I know what kind of people I want and need in my life. I am ready to trust God, and allow the Holy Spirit to fill me with peace in the day to day circumstances. I am done settling, both spiritually and circumstantially. I want to live life to the fullest in the everyday circumstances of life. Just because you're not in an "awesome" stage of life doesn't mean you can't live life in an awesome way.

Please continue to pray for the Church in Thailand; try to remember that only about 1 in 100 people here have a saving relationship with Christ. There are many people in Thailand that have never even heard of Jesus Christ. Pray for our team as we continue to develop relationships with university students; that we would have strength, patience, and that the Holy Spirit would give us the words to say to these people. Also pray for me as I begin to experience moments of wanting to be back in the States, that I would not become frustrated, annoyed, and angry with difficult circumstances (and food) ;). Additionally pray that God would give me peace about the past and the future, as I begin processing life post-grad.