A Broken Heart

I've been thinking about motivations lately. It is kind of random, but something I have really been struggling with lately I suppose. I tend to spend a lot of time in thought, looking at my heart and actions; looking at the actions of others; interpreting those actions. Everything can be figured out simply by examining it closely, or at least it is easy to feel that way. I am a fairly observant person; I know when people hurt, I tend to pick up on what motivates my friends, and I remember important dates and periods of their lives.

If I am not careful, I can sit back and analyze everything into oblivion. Instead of simply letting things take their course, and talking to people, and actually hearing their stories, I can decide how people feel without ever letting them tell me.

I had to realize that some people don't want to tell you anything, and that doesn't mean it is up to you to figure them out. You simply can't figure some people out, and it isn't my job to try.

My last month in the states was really hard for me in so many different ways. I don't think I really realized how much of a toll it took on me until I got to Bangkok. Ever since I got here, I haven't really felt anything except relief. I am so thankful for the peace that God has given me about graduating, friendships, family, and His love for me, but at the same time, I am concerned.

I am in a foreign country, surrounded by strangers, only a handful of people speak my language, and I am completely okay with it. I haven't had any problems adjusting, I feel completely fine here; there's almost a sense of relief in not being known by anyone here.

I can see myself just being. There's something to be said for simply existing in time and space; no complications, no relationships, no responsibilities, and no emotion. Buddhists are continually seeking a state of nirvana. Nirvana is described as a place or state characterized by freedom from or oblivion to pain, worry, and the external world. In some ways, it feels as though somehow I have achieved that state. Not in a Buddhist sense, but simply being free of all of these earthly entanglements.

So, I've been struggling with why I feel this way. Why do I not miss any of my friends? Why do I not miss the US at all? More importantly, why am I not moved to anger by the situations here in Thailand? Why does my heart not break while visiting the slums? Why did I feel so dissatisfied with life in the States, and yet feel nothing while I am here in Thailand.

Is it perhaps a defensive response from the last weeks of school? Perhaps I am just too tired of caring about people and places, and hurting for them.

This brings me to my real question: do I really care about anyone besides myself? What if everything I ever did for anyone was based off of some selfish need for others to think that I was a good person, and therefore reward me with their friendship.

What if in my heart of hearts I wished misfortune on my friends, who all seem to get everything they want, so that they would better know what it is like to be me? What if I really only wanted my friends to be happy if it involved me?

What if I very rarely felt genuine sadness for others, or compassion? At what point does it matter that all of your actions are based out of a sense of duty or belief rather than any kind of emotional response?

Is it better to help someone because you simply believe it is the right thing to do, or because you are moved emotionally by their situation to a point that you have no other option but to help?

Do motivations even matter? Do deeds done with a sense of obligation or even resentment mean any less than those done out of compassion? Could a deed done in resentment mean more since it was done nonetheless?

It would be a harder life for the man called to a life of service but given no measure of compassion than that of the man who felt connected to all of humanity. Doesn't the measure of an accomplishment come from its difficulty to achieve; therefore would it not be more meaningful for that man to perform an act of compassion than the action of a truly compassionate man?

Do you just stop trying when all of your motivations are impure, and all you ever accomplish is hurting everyone you love? How do you develop meaningful relationships with people when you're incapable of truly loving people?

It is a lot to process, and I haven't had enough free time here to really give it much thought; only formulate these questions. It is definitely something I will continue to pray about, and reflect upon. In the meantime, pray that God will break my heart once again, and show me the true motivations of my heart.