Life is so much easier here for me. Everything is very clear-cut and defined. I talk about God, the Bible, and theology with my friends here everyday. We exchange ideas, challenge each other, and pray for one another. I've stopped and wondered if I would be friends with these people back home or if they would be friends with me, and I can't really say, but the point is that we're all here, and we're unified in our desire to seek the will of God in our lives. We're here to serve our Creator and somehow that transcends all of our petty differences- our backgrounds, denominations, educations...
I love these people, and I am not concerned about what they think of me. There's no pressure here. I am what I am, and it isn't much, but it is all I have, and I offer it all.
Back home things haven't been so easy in the past. My friends back home never asked me what I believed or why I believed it, I didn't ever really talk about the Bible or theology, I didn't really go to church and none of my friends really cared. Christ wasn't a unifier in my relationships back home. Sure, we may have all had Christ in common, but we never really explored that to much of an extent. Instead of seeking the will of God together, we spent all of our time trying to figure out what movie to watch that night.
I've realized over the last two weeks how much I hate that for the last four years of my life. I hate it so much for last year. I hate that I lived in a house with four other Christian guys, and our faith had practically no significance in our relationships with one another. I hate that we could have done great things together, learned, challenged, grown, but instead we played HALO.
I always wanted more. My relationship with Christ always felt empty. The church and Christianity... they both felt empty. I can see now how that desire for a more genuine community manifested and caused confusion in me and my friendships. I understand now my desire to leave all of my friends behind and start from scratch, as I often felt like doing last year.
I think, deep inside, I always suspected there was more to be had, and I felt like I was wasting my time with my friends. So, here I am. Halfway around the world from my friends and family, and life is simply easier.
Now I am left to process that. Am I heartless? Am I selfish? Am I better off alone? Were my friends bad friends? Was I a bad friend?
While I could spend hours exploring all of this, I think I would rather not. I am not sure it really matters at this junction. I do think, however, that God has put me in a position to learn a lot from all of my past and present experiences, and so it is that on which I am trying to focus.
When I return from Thailand I will be coming home to no job, no home, no school, no girlfriend, and honestly, no strong friendships. It is requiring a lot of me to trust God in all of those details, but I am each and every day.
I am so thankful for each person God put in my life over the last four years; in some way each and every one of them has pushed me closer to Christ. Most of the time that pushing came in the form of adversity rather than positive reinforcement, but nevertheless, I am thankful.
I feel as if God is preparing me for better things, and I am excited about that. I am excited to see how I can serve God in my everyday life, and I am excited to see what kind of son, brother, friend, and husband that will one day make me. I am excited about living passionately once more; I am glad that I have rediscovered my purpose: to glorify God forever!
Tonight we heard a speaker at this church gathering at a church downtown and he said that he was about to tell us the most important thing we would ever hear: "you're important, you're loved, you're needed, and we can't do it without you!".
I disagree. I think the most important thing you'll ever learn is this: you're not that big of a deal. You're not important, you're loved by flawed sinners, and God can do anything without you! Only then can you truly start living the life that God intended for you to live. You have to realize that you are useless, and that even your acts of righteousness are like filthy rags before Christ. Every great thing you "accomplished" was by the grace of God, and to Him should go all praise.
When you can recognize that you're never going to be good enough, and that nothing you do will ever count towards anything, well, then you can give up. Give up on you, and give it up to God. I've realized that God gave me this giant bleeding heart, I love deeply and sincerely, and I have this deep desire to live in truth and community. I have a passion for life, and for so long I have subdued it. I have instead tried to live "my life" according to "my desires", and they all involved proving to others that I was good enough, that I was worthy, and that I could earn my own way.
I am giving that up now. I am giving it all up to God. I now desire to live the way God created me. If that means people don't understand me, that I'm not following the pattern, if I seem radical or extreme, childish, spontaneous, or simple... that's fine. I just know that God gave me this huge ole heart, and there is no sense in suffocating with mediocrity. The mediocrity of my own futile plans for earthly joy.
So, where does that leave us? I guess what I am trying to say is this: I am still lonely. I am lonely for what could have been: incredible, challenging, affirming community. I am comforted by the fact that God still gave me incredible friends who are living their lives the best way they know how, and I love each and every one of them. I am not sure what God has planned for them, for me, or for our friendship in the future, but I pray each day that God would continue to work in their lives, and bring them closer to Him, and I am thankful that He used each of them to bring me closer to Him. I've found the ultimate community in Christ, and will continue to ask that God would pour his Spirit into my heart so that in the future I can be the friend that I should have been all along.
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