Prayers

Full update coming soon.

Spent the last three days travelling through Thailand on a bus with 30 Thais. The UCF camping trip went well, and I believe everyone had a good time. 

Please pray for our team as we are all exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. Also, be in prayer for Dave, he was helping someone clean out rat traps in their attic and the ladder slipped and he cut himself when he fell, and is in the hospital getting stitches; his wife is in the states while his kids are at home every day. 

Thanks, guys.

Canada: America's Hat

First thing is first. I met these really great Canadian friends last week, Denise and Rebecca (left and right, respectively). Their story is pretty awesome. Denise and Rebecca were roommates in college and felt that God was calling them to travel through Asia this summer working with local churches and organizations.

They started in the Philippines, are working their way through Thailand, and will be leaving a couple  of days before our team to spend five weeks in Cambodia before heading back home to Canada (America's hat).

It has been really refreshing for me to meet two new friends and actually have the ability to communicate with them without any language barriers. Well, that may not be entirely accurate, but at least we all speak English, eh?

I've really been impressed with Denise and Rebecca's faith in following God's call to Asia; especially given that they are not partnered with an organization and simply take each day as it comes, going wherever God leads them.

Please join me in prayer for Denise and Rebecca as they spend time this week traveling through Thailand, and for their time in Cambodia as the summer comes to a close.

Now, unto a decidedly more selfish topic: me. I am frustrated in every way imaginable right now, hence I am writing this blog entry at 2:06 am. I am sitting on the roof, lightning is illuminating my view of the city as a seemingly nightly electrical storm rages. My sleep cycle has been interrupted by multiple headaches over the last few days, and a World Cup party two nights ago; I didn't make it into my bed until 5:15 am. yesterday morning only to be awoken by 10 for team time.

I am so tired of feeling sick. Over the past week and a half I have suffered from multiple headaches, dizzy spells, lightheadedness, exhaustion, and a migrane on Saturday. I want to feel better, but every time I start to feel better I get out and spend the day on campus, and end up feeling worse the next day. However, all the time spent "recuperating" in the room makes me feel lethargic and weak.

I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I have had serious problems having any motivation to get out of the bed over the last week. I am beginning to suspect that I may be suffering from an iron deficiency, something that Tim mentioned many 11 month interns encounter. I realized that I have not eaten many of the foods from which I receive my iron intake in about 6 weeks, and if I already had a low iron level, well then missing my red meats, eggs, and enriched pasta may have just thrown me over the edge.

Please pray for my health as I continue to spend time on campus and at church, that I would still have energy to deal with every day, and an extra measure of patience to offset my exhaustion.

I am also really discouraged right now with one of our Thai friends. Nike has been living in our room for the last, what, two weeks I suppose at this point. Admittedly, when I think of the circumstances, they seem a bit ridiculous. Basically this kid who doesn't even really know us or speak our language decided after a few days that he would just move in... and I guess we decided that was alright.

Honestly, I haven't really minded having Nike around, and he has begun to feel like another member of the team. He joins us in all of our activities besides team time, and helps David and I get around sometimes when we're having language issues.

I don't know what I expected. That isn't really true. I think I expected Nike to see that our group is different, and that he would become a Christian, and that this trip would have a tangible measure of success in my mind.

I am just discouraged because it has become so evident to me that Nike has completely latched onto our group, and doesn't spend any time with his friends (whom he has indicated he does not have) or family. We have become something of  a crutch to him-- and we're leaving.

It's just really hard for me to feel good about the situation as it stands now. I want to love all of these kids as much as supernaturally possible (it takes more than my human capacity) but at the same time I have struggled with making friend groups into my god, and it saddens me to think that I am facilitating that for Nike.

I guess tonight it all just really hit me hard. I made it back to the room before anyone else, and was enjoying some precious alone time when Nike walked in the door. He had gotten separated from David and John at campus, and had finally decided to come on home without them. We did our little song and dance of greeting each other, asking how each other were, and trying to explain our present circumstances. After interpreting Nike's pantomime of losing John and David on campus, I edited some photos, and Nike took a shower.

A few minutes later we found ourselves sitting on the couch, introducing each other to music; we began to talk as we tend to do through a combination of broken Thai, English, and Google Translate. Nike indicated to me that he does not have other friends, and that once we returned to the States, he would not return to the "coffeehouse" ever again. "Coffeehouse" is his word for the church. Our conversation continued for about another hour (in which we communicated about 4 minutes worth of conversation) and he indicated that no one really liked him, and that others talked bad about him.

There is more, but Nike always swears me to secrecy after our conversations, and apologizes profusely for ever sharing any personal details of his life with me. I count it an honor that Nike has already opened up to me with many personal details as Dave has repeatedly pointed out to our team that Thais are extremely private in those matters, and it has taken upwards of 7 years for some Thais to open up in the church.

So, this is where I am now. I realize that God can still do an awesome work here, but at the same time I am questioning our effectiveness with Nike, and whether or not letting him spend 24 hours a day with us was really the right thing to do. I am trying to put myself in his shoes, and think of how this whole thing would feel to me. I guess my hope right now is that we can get Nike connected with some Thais in the church, and that he would quickly form a friendship strong enough to keep him coming back to the church.

Ultimately, I realize that none of this is in my control, and that my effectiveness as a witness here is really never really in question as I am always 100% ineffective, and any fruit that comes of my time here is strictly the Lord's doing.

Please be praying for Nike over the next two weeks as we prepare to leave, that God would really call him, and open his heart. Also, please pray for David and me as we continue to have very little alone time  throughout this living arrangement.

14 Days

Can't believe it. Fourteen days left in Thailand. To say that my feelings are mixed would be the understatement of the year. I am going to miss Thailand so much, and I have a special place in my heart for all of the people I have met and befriended here, but I am also very excited to get home and see my family.

I guess I am really excited to see what life looks like post-graduation. I want to find a job, a place to live, friends... I am looking forward to the small things like driving across the causeway at sunset with the windows down and the music up.

I have a lot of hope for the future, and I know that things are going to be hard when I get back, but I honestly have this feeling that I simply can't be contained. I have such a firm foundation in Christ now; it just seems like life is waiting to be lived. I have found freedom in Christ.

This blog has actually turned out to be a small blessing. I've been fairly regular in updating it, and it has helped me process a lot of thoughts along the way. People have also sent me several messages, and talked to me about what I have written, and they have shared their own struggles and thoughts, offered encouragement, and expressed their desire for a more earnest way of living. It has been really encouraging, and interesting timing as I have felt God leading me back into writing after many years of ignoring it, and I am interested to see where all of this leads.

I've decided to close this blog two weeks after returning home, giving me enough time to write about adjusting to life back in the States, and make any lingering updates about my time in Thailand. The blog will still be able to be viewed, but it will no longer be updated as I want it to simply remain as a reminder of my time in Bangkok.

I guess my question is this: should I start a new blog once I get back? Should I continue writing about life Stateside, my post grad life, what God shows me through the whole young-adult phase? What are your guys' thoughts?

I have been downloading new music over the last couple of days! I love it. I love music. If I could ask for one freebie, it would be the gift of music. I wish I could turn all of my thoughts and ideas into music. I  have a lot of admiration for musicians.

Tonight is the last game of the World Cup! Super excited. We're going over to the home of one of the professors from Bangkok Bible Seminary to watch the match. David and I are meeting some Thais over at the church at midnight and then heading on over there.

Well, this update doesn't provide much in substance, but just know that things are continuing to continue in Bangkok, Thailand.

Platinum

Tuesday was our day off, and it started as most days off have: sleeping in. There is something deeply satisfying about going to bed without setting an alarm. I awoke to Nike watching and singing along to music videos on the TV; this has become quite the morning routine. Nike has, for all intents and purposes, moved into our little piece of the Big House in the Sky, sleeping on a mattress on the floor (the box springs are used as a makeshift armoir by David and myself), watching entirely too many Thai music videos, and wishing David and I "goosednight" and "goosedmorning" everyday.

After taking a quick shower and rummaging through the clothes heap on the aforementioned set of boxsprings, I made my way over to Coffee Today with Nike in tow. Upon arrival we discovered that David, Emily, Lyndsey, John, and Julie were all occupying tables at our favorite watering-hole. I ordered my usual iced green tea and waffle from Keek, the proprietor of Coffee Today. "Same-same tomorrow," she asked. "Same-same everyday," I replied. I tend to stick with what I know and love.

It wasn't long before all of us farangs were discussing American politics, George Orwell, Atlas Shrugged, German cinema, and the plight of the written word. Lyndsey will always prefer a paperback, and will retain more from reading it than from a Kindle. David simply doesn't trust the electronic medium, and fears that content can too easily be rewritten and used for propaganda. I think we all came to the conclusion that the world is scary, and we're all going to die one day.

Our more intellectual appetites satiated, we moved on to discussing what entertainment we would use to distract ourselves from our decidedly foreign environment. A movie at the nearest cineplex was suggested, but quickly rejected. We decided that perhaps Nike, a Thai national, would have some great knowledge of hidden fun in Bangkok. Of course, Nike doesn't speak very much English, so how could we communicate our desperate need of an adventure? Google Translate of course!

In no time we had two MacBook Pros setup, one translating from English to Thai, and the other from Thai to English. We would type away our messages of "take us somewhere fun!" to which Nike would reply "I will take away the fun." Hmmm. Perhaps something was getting lost in translation. "What can we do fun today," Julie asked. "Fun anywhere," Nike would reply.

An hour passed as we attempted to harness the power of technology to spark some human connection with Nike. Typing away at the cold, metallic keys, desperate for some kind of deeper human connection. Finally, after what felt like ages, Nike was able to break through the barriers of language and culture to communicate with us his great plan for our harrowing Tuesday adventure: MOVIE!

Yes, folks, after an hour and a half we finally landed on the idea we had quickly rejected at the very beginning of our preposterous discourse.  Within 15 minutes we had loaded into taxis and were on our way to Central Bangna.

Upon arrival at the mall we discovered that most movies were only showing in Thai that evening, so we resolved to find a nice American restaurant, eat, and perhaps go bowling afterwards.

Moments later we found ourselves at "Sizzler" a fine establishment that has found itself relegated to this side of the world after failure in the American market. Sizzler's is neither good dining nor poor eats, and has somehow found itself in the purgatory of dining experiences. This is rare by my estimation. Generally, I either love food, or hate it. I would venture to say that by American standards Sizzler is actually pretty crap, but somehow, being in this foreign country for nearly two months has lowered by standards of dining, entertainment, and music. Anything American, simply by virtue of being American, seems right, good, and pure.

Beef at these Thai/American restaurants is like the undead of burgers; it may look like your average burger, may even smell like your average burger, but make no mistake, it is a shell of its former self. A reminder of what once was good, whole, tasty, but has been reduced to an evil imitation.

I had fish and chips. They were quite enjoyable.

From the Sizz we were beckoned over to the Major Bowl by its throbbing bass and disorienting black lights. The group quickly acquired a lane and made their way over to the shoe rental area. From there we were moved into a VIP "Platinum" room that was isolated from the rest of the bowling alley. This is when the evening really began to go to pot. Nothing worked. The pin picker upper, the ball returner, the karaoke music maker, the disco dance light dispensers, it was all crap. Finally one of the fifteen employees that circulated through our room was able to get us going with the pins and balls, and as he left he closed the door, sealing us into the PLATINUM.

Closing the door completely eliminated all sound from traveling into our private room, an incredible feat by my estimation. Unfortunately, there was no music in our room. Did that stop us? No, of course not, we are Americans, darnit, and we're going to take over this room in the name of democracy and dance craziness.

So, we ripped the audio input chord out of the useless karaoke machine, plugged in an iPod, and cranked it to the next level. It wasn't long before we had the lights turned down low, black lights on, music blaring, 6 white kids, and an Asian dancing on top of the couches, tables, and ball returns of Major Bowl's Platinum VIP room.

I don't know. There is something about being on the sixth floor of a mall in downtown Bangkok, floor to ceiling windows with a great view of the city, at night, surrounded by friends, dancing in a VIP room in a bowling alley on top of furniture, while your Asian friend busts out the Michael Jackson mojo and some mad breakdancing that just makes you feel like you're alive, and possibly in an indie film.

Suffice it to say that an hour later we had bowled 9 frames dancing the entire time.

Ice cream from McDonald's followed as well as a sweaty cab ride back to The Big House in The Sky, and an evening viewing of Hot Rod compliments of John and Julie.

And that my friends, will always be remembered as "The Platinum Experience".

I think the lessons we learned that day were that technology is useless, the government is scary, communication is important, Asian bowling alleys want to keep the white man down, America always wins, dance parties are universal, Nike can dance, and blogs are a good place to get a really weird mood out of your system.

Alone at Sea

I haven't been updating as often as I would have liked, but things have a way of getting really busy around here. We hosted a short term group of about twenty-four people from a small village in Wisconsin for almost two weeks, and that kept all of us on our toes for a while.

During that period of time we hosted a futball tournament, a badminton tournament, and several coffee houses / award ceremonies. The futball tournament was a lot of fun, and ten teams from across the city entered and played for an entire Saturday. We continued to hang out on campus, talking with students, playing badminton, teaching English and drawing etc. Some of us split off from the campus group and worked in the Mahattai 3 area, helping roof homes, pour concrete etc. 

It was definitely weird being surrounded by so many farangs here in Thailand for those two weeks, and in a lot of ways I think it helped our team feel a little more comfortable with our work here, as we were no longer the new kids on the block. 

When the Wisconsin kids went home, we started cleaning and painting the church. This turned out to be a pretty large undertaking. It took about three coats, lots of cutting, and even more cleanup, but we finally got it all done just in time for the Arts festival on Friday. 

Friday and Saturday were devoted to the "Hearts for Bangkok / City Of ______"Art Festival. Events took place at New City Fellowship on Friday and at Newsong in Downtown Bangkok on Saturday. It was a fun time of seeing local artists work, watching Thai dance, hearing about local Art ministries, and watching a great Czech movie with Thai subtitles. 

The weather in Bangkok has actually been great over the last week. We are moving from summer and on into the rainy season, and as a result it has been more overcast of late, with nice breezes and rain at night. 

It is crazy to think that we really only have two and half more weeks here in Bangkok. Time has a funny way of passing quickly, and yet slowly at the same time. It feels like years ago that we were laid over in London, and yet it seems like we've only really just gotten fully accustomed to life in Bangkok. 

One thing I know I will miss about Bangkok is our rooftop. It has been such a great place to reflect and process the events of the day/week/month. Not only has it been a great place to escape to in order to find some alone time, but also a great place for us to meet together as a group and discuss our time here, the Bible, heart issues, God's will for our lives, and the meaning of life, which is 42 by the way. 

I'll miss talking with David before calling it a night, walking through the door to the girl's adjoining room, playing cards, discussing relationships, college, God... mornings in John and Julie's room where we are always offered fruit and ask each other for prayer; the aforementioned roof.

I'll miss the legendary Rat King who lives in the Badlands which just so happens to be the most convenient shortcut to Coffee Today, the tiny coffee shop that has become home to us farangs, our own little Cheers in Thailand. Who back home will understand the ever present danger of Monitaur attacks from neighboring King's Park? Will anyone understand that sometimes you must be "alone at sea" no matter how "most unpleasant" it may be? Where else will someone say: "certainly, I will return unto you" when asked "when are you getting back from the beach"?

I have "loved a lot of you" Thailand, and I think it is safe to say that "mostly I think of you" as I prepare to return to the States. 

Friendship

The last week has kind of flown by in a lot of ways, but has also been very challenging for me. I don't think I've really struggled much with culture shock or even homesickness, but over the last week and a half I've just really been struggling with loneliness. I miss my friends. I have great friends here, but I miss our inside jokes, having dinner together, laughing about our past adventures...

Life is so much easier here for me. Everything is very clear-cut and defined. I talk about God, the Bible, and theology with my friends here everyday. We exchange ideas, challenge each other, and pray for one another. I've stopped and wondered if I would be friends with these people back home or if they would be friends with me, and I can't really say, but the point is that we're all here, and we're unified in our desire to seek the will of God in our lives. We're here to serve our Creator  and somehow that transcends all of our petty differences- our backgrounds, denominations, educations... 

I love these people, and I am not concerned about what they think of me. There's no pressure here. I am what I am, and it isn't much, but it is all I have, and I offer it all. 

Back home things haven't been so easy in the past. My friends back home never asked me what I believed or why I believed it,  I didn't ever really talk about the Bible or theology, I didn't really go to church and none of my friends really cared. Christ wasn't a unifier in my relationships back home. Sure, we may have all had Christ in common, but we never really explored that to much of an extent. Instead of seeking the will of God together, we spent all of our time trying to figure out what movie to watch that night. 

I've realized over the last two weeks how much I hate that for the last four years of my life. I hate it so much for last year. I hate that I lived in a house with four other Christian guys, and our faith had practically no significance in our relationships with one another. I hate that we could have done great things together, learned, challenged, grown, but instead we played HALO. 

I always wanted more. My relationship with Christ always felt empty. The church and Christianity... they both felt empty. I can see now how that desire for a more genuine community manifested and caused confusion in me and my friendships. I understand now my desire to leave all of my friends behind and start from scratch, as I often felt like doing last year. 

I think, deep inside, I always suspected there was more to be had, and I felt like I was wasting my time with my friends. So, here I am. Halfway around the world from my friends and family, and life is simply easier.

Now I am left to process that. Am I heartless? Am I selfish? Am I better off alone? Were my friends bad friends? Was I a bad friend? 

While I could spend hours exploring all of this, I think I would rather not. I am not sure it really matters at this junction. I do think, however, that God has put me in a position to learn a lot from all of my past and present experiences, and so it is that on which I am trying to focus. 

When I return from Thailand I will be coming home to no job, no home, no school, no girlfriend, and honestly, no strong friendships. It is requiring a lot of me to trust God in all of those details, but I am each and every day. 

I am so thankful for each person God put in my life over the last four years; in some way each and every one of them has pushed me closer to Christ. Most of the time that pushing came in the form of adversity rather than positive reinforcement, but nevertheless, I am thankful.

I feel as if God is preparing me for better things, and I am excited about that. I am excited to see how I can serve God in my everyday life, and I am excited to see what kind of son, brother, friend, and husband that will one day make me. I am excited about living passionately once more; I am glad that I have rediscovered my purpose: to glorify God forever!

Tonight we heard a speaker at this church gathering at a church downtown and he said that he was about to tell us the most important thing we would ever hear: "you're important, you're loved, you're needed, and we can't do it without you!". 

I disagree. I think the most important thing you'll ever learn is this: you're not that big of a deal. You're not important, you're loved by flawed sinners, and God can do anything without you! Only then can you truly start living the life that God intended for you to live. You have to realize that you are useless, and that even your acts of righteousness are like filthy rags before Christ. Every great thing you "accomplished" was by the grace of God, and to Him should go all praise. 

When you can recognize that you're never going to be good enough, and that nothing you do will ever count towards anything, well, then you can give up. Give up on you, and give it up to God. I've realized that God gave me this giant bleeding heart, I love deeply and sincerely, and I have this deep desire to live  in truth and community. I have a passion for life, and for so long I have subdued it. I have instead tried to live "my life" according to "my desires", and they all involved proving to others that I was good enough, that I was worthy, and that I could earn my own way. 

I am giving that up now. I am giving it all up to God. I now desire to live the way God created me. If that means people don't understand me, that I'm not following the pattern, if I seem radical or extreme, childish, spontaneous, or simple... that's fine. I just know that God gave me this huge ole heart, and there is no sense in suffocating with mediocrity. The mediocrity of my own futile plans for earthly joy. 

So, where does that leave us? I guess what I am trying to say is this: I am still lonely. I am lonely for what could have been: incredible, challenging, affirming community. I am comforted by the fact that God still gave me incredible friends who are living their lives the best way they know how, and I love each and every one of them. I am not sure what God has planned for them, for me, or for our friendship in the future, but I pray each day that God would continue to work in their lives, and bring them closer to Him, and I am thankful that He used each of them to bring me closer to Him. I've found the ultimate community in Christ, and will continue to ask that God would pour his Spirit into my heart so that in the future I can be the friend that I should have been all along. 

Coming Soon

Update coming soon. I promise.