I'm not sure why, but I am extremely lonely today. I realize I don't really have that much to come home to anymore, but I know that God has a plan. I have a way of forgetting how many friends I really do have, and right now it seems like I don't have very many left in Jackson, but I know that is not true.
Please pray for me if you have a chance. Just a bit sad about a lot of different things. I wish I could go for a drive, or talk to one of my friends, but that isn't really an option here.
I am so blessed. I thank God for every friend he has both brought and taken out of my life. I know that each one was there for a specific reason, and I rejoice in His wisdom.
That's all we can really do I suppose.
Thanks guys.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Cold Grey Walls and Rainfalls
I don't even know where to start with this one guys. It's just been an incredibly hard week I'm afraid, and yet so incredibly beautiful. I want to take time to share my thoughts on the church, and the Holy Spirit, and how all of that has been shaping up in my heart and mind, but that will have to wait.
First of all, please continue to pray for Nike. He has been faithfully showed up at every event we've hosted or attended, including a YWAM worship service last night. He came to our football (soccer) tournament award ceremony tonight, and we sang some worship songs, some in English, and after one of them Nike repeated the chorus "He reigns over us". Whether Nike realizes it or not, He does reign over us, and it was so powerful to hear this Thai kid say it. The more time we spend with Nike, the more we love him, and I've just realized it isn't about "saving" people, or doing the "right thing", or being a "good Christian", it's about Christ and Nike. It is about wanting Nike to have the same hope that I have found in Christ.
This is Nike and John. Please be praying for Nike, and for us as we hang out with him. Pray that God would work in Nike's heart, and draw him in closer to the church; that he would know Christ. Also, pray for John, because he and his wife Julie are awesome, and they serve us fruit every morning during devotions.
I've been writing a devotion on the beatitudes for Dave and New City Fellowship. It's a 31 day devotion. It's been hard. Not because I am having problems writing it, but because everyday I work on it, I am saddened by what I read.
I realize that while I have been a Christian since I was about 7 years old, I have not always lived for Christ. Specifically, over the last four years I haven't really lived for him at all. I have had growth spurts, spiritual truisms have presented themselves, I've learned about my Creator, I've had moments of great clarity, but I've never simply lived my life for God. It has always been about me, about getting better, about figuring things out, about getting to a point where I can be happy with my life; live guilt free.
I've been holding a pillow over my head for years, slowly suffocating myself. I've made myself a whore to the world, selling myself the lie that if it doesn't feel wrong, then maybe it really isn't. I've asked God to make everything better without any searching of the scriptures and without any real dependance on God. I have looked to my friends for answers, for models of what Christianity looks like, and none of them could point me to Christ, and I hated them in my heart for letting me destroy myself. I created a life that revolved around the acquisition of stuff in order to fill the void in my heart. Every shirt, every pair of jeans, every cardigan, jacket, pair of shoes, the countless Apple products- a reminder of my insatiable loneliness. A desire for something more.
I worshiped at the alter of approval, and I made myself physically sick in order to measure up to other's standards. I gave everything I had and more to anyone who would take it, and then resented them for "taking advantage of me". I compromised myself countless times, and brought dishonor to the Lord. I was arrogant and prideful; deciding it was better to work for my own salvation than to accept Christ's gift.
I succumbed to hopelessness and despair, and did not trust that the Lord my God had a perfect plan for my life.
Worst of all, I stopped caring. I spoke as a "Christian". I led as a "Christian". I prayed as a "Christian". I advised my friends as a "Christian", but Christ is not what I was about. I turned my back on God; to the point where I was no longer even sensitive to his Spirit inside of me. I felt no compassion; I felt no conviction.
It wasn't until this past spring break that God really started a work in my heart, and began an incredible healing process that literally changed my life. My friend Sergei could testify to the difficult but incredible process I went through over a several week period of recognizing my need for God the Father as well as my own earthly father, and how that changed my life forever.
While what followed was an incredible time of spiritual growth and peace, I still was not grieved over my sin, and still did not feel the Holy Spirit in me, convicting me, leading me. So, that is what I have been praying for ever since I got here to Thailand. I know what I did was wrong, I know what I am doing is wrong, but let me feel that it is wrong. I wanted to mourn my sins, I wanted to be saddened that I was grieving God by committing these sins, and I wanted to be comforted.
Yesterday was particularly hard, for many reasons, none of which I will really go into; suffice it to say they are personal. We ended the night at a YWAM worship service, which was all in Thai, and I honestly didn't want to be there as I was tired, hot, and worn out emotionally.
I started praying. I tuned out everything, and just sat on the floor and prayed. I prayed that God would pour out His spirit in me, and that I would feel the weight of everything I have done. I prayed that though it may be painful, the Holy Spirit would convict me, and lead me, and that I would have the strength to follow. I prayed that my faith wouldn't feel empty, that God would restore to me the compassion I once had; that He would give me the fruits of spirit that I know once were in my life.
As I leaned against the concrete wall of the YWAM building, sitting outside under a stoop, I just begged that God would forgive me, and give me some sense of comfort. A single tear began to roll down my cheek, and as it hit my pant leg, there was a rumble of thunder and the bottom dropped out. It was a downpour that we rarely see in Jackson, MS.
I cried as the rain began to buffet me; it was as if a voice spoke to me saying: "This is my blood, and it was poured out for you. It covers you everywhere you go, and while you will know pain, you will also know great comfort, because I love you. The heavens cry with you."
It was incredible, and as those words were in my heart the Thai band began playing "Blessed Be Your Name" in English, a song that has been put into my life several times over the last two weeks. I couldn't help but sing loudly in praise:
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there is pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
Stil my heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
And for that night, that was the cry of my heart. He gave and he take away, and he will continue to give and take away, and from now on my heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be your name!
First of all, please continue to pray for Nike. He has been faithfully showed up at every event we've hosted or attended, including a YWAM worship service last night. He came to our football (soccer) tournament award ceremony tonight, and we sang some worship songs, some in English, and after one of them Nike repeated the chorus "He reigns over us". Whether Nike realizes it or not, He does reign over us, and it was so powerful to hear this Thai kid say it. The more time we spend with Nike, the more we love him, and I've just realized it isn't about "saving" people, or doing the "right thing", or being a "good Christian", it's about Christ and Nike. It is about wanting Nike to have the same hope that I have found in Christ.
I've been writing a devotion on the beatitudes for Dave and New City Fellowship. It's a 31 day devotion. It's been hard. Not because I am having problems writing it, but because everyday I work on it, I am saddened by what I read.
I realize that while I have been a Christian since I was about 7 years old, I have not always lived for Christ. Specifically, over the last four years I haven't really lived for him at all. I have had growth spurts, spiritual truisms have presented themselves, I've learned about my Creator, I've had moments of great clarity, but I've never simply lived my life for God. It has always been about me, about getting better, about figuring things out, about getting to a point where I can be happy with my life; live guilt free.
I've been holding a pillow over my head for years, slowly suffocating myself. I've made myself a whore to the world, selling myself the lie that if it doesn't feel wrong, then maybe it really isn't. I've asked God to make everything better without any searching of the scriptures and without any real dependance on God. I have looked to my friends for answers, for models of what Christianity looks like, and none of them could point me to Christ, and I hated them in my heart for letting me destroy myself. I created a life that revolved around the acquisition of stuff in order to fill the void in my heart. Every shirt, every pair of jeans, every cardigan, jacket, pair of shoes, the countless Apple products- a reminder of my insatiable loneliness. A desire for something more.
I worshiped at the alter of approval, and I made myself physically sick in order to measure up to other's standards. I gave everything I had and more to anyone who would take it, and then resented them for "taking advantage of me". I compromised myself countless times, and brought dishonor to the Lord. I was arrogant and prideful; deciding it was better to work for my own salvation than to accept Christ's gift.
I succumbed to hopelessness and despair, and did not trust that the Lord my God had a perfect plan for my life.
Worst of all, I stopped caring. I spoke as a "Christian". I led as a "Christian". I prayed as a "Christian". I advised my friends as a "Christian", but Christ is not what I was about. I turned my back on God; to the point where I was no longer even sensitive to his Spirit inside of me. I felt no compassion; I felt no conviction.
It wasn't until this past spring break that God really started a work in my heart, and began an incredible healing process that literally changed my life. My friend Sergei could testify to the difficult but incredible process I went through over a several week period of recognizing my need for God the Father as well as my own earthly father, and how that changed my life forever.
While what followed was an incredible time of spiritual growth and peace, I still was not grieved over my sin, and still did not feel the Holy Spirit in me, convicting me, leading me. So, that is what I have been praying for ever since I got here to Thailand. I know what I did was wrong, I know what I am doing is wrong, but let me feel that it is wrong. I wanted to mourn my sins, I wanted to be saddened that I was grieving God by committing these sins, and I wanted to be comforted.
Yesterday was particularly hard, for many reasons, none of which I will really go into; suffice it to say they are personal. We ended the night at a YWAM worship service, which was all in Thai, and I honestly didn't want to be there as I was tired, hot, and worn out emotionally.
I started praying. I tuned out everything, and just sat on the floor and prayed. I prayed that God would pour out His spirit in me, and that I would feel the weight of everything I have done. I prayed that though it may be painful, the Holy Spirit would convict me, and lead me, and that I would have the strength to follow. I prayed that my faith wouldn't feel empty, that God would restore to me the compassion I once had; that He would give me the fruits of spirit that I know once were in my life.
As I leaned against the concrete wall of the YWAM building, sitting outside under a stoop, I just begged that God would forgive me, and give me some sense of comfort. A single tear began to roll down my cheek, and as it hit my pant leg, there was a rumble of thunder and the bottom dropped out. It was a downpour that we rarely see in Jackson, MS.
I cried as the rain began to buffet me; it was as if a voice spoke to me saying: "This is my blood, and it was poured out for you. It covers you everywhere you go, and while you will know pain, you will also know great comfort, because I love you. The heavens cry with you."
It was incredible, and as those words were in my heart the Thai band began playing "Blessed Be Your Name" in English, a song that has been put into my life several times over the last two weeks. I couldn't help but sing loudly in praise:
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there is pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
Stil my heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
And for that night, that was the cry of my heart. He gave and he take away, and he will continue to give and take away, and from now on my heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be your name!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Block Party
Most of the things that Francis said resonated true for me, and reading more about the Holy Spirit, just what he is capable of, and what his purpose is, well, it made me realize how absent he has been in my life.
I was finishing up the last chapter during the service, and it was just particularly hard for me to finish without getting sad. Francis describes a church that is made up of members filled by the Holy Spirit, and what that would look like. It sounds like an amazing thing; an amazing thing that I don't think I've ever really experienced. I don't have much time to go into it now, and so I'll come back to this topic later, but suffice it to say that as Christians we are supposed to be so different than the lost that they can't help but see that we know God. We should rely on God so much that people can't help but praise God for what he does through our lives. We are to have all of the fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, meekness, faithfulness, and self-control, and in fullness, not just a small measure. People should see me and recognize that there is no way I could do what I am doing on my own, and that God must be praised for it.
Anyway, after church the short-term team basically put on an English service, and then we setup for the block party that took place that night.
The blockparty was great, and a good amount of people from the community came out to the party. We had games setup for the kids, music, and a grill setup with tons of food (rice of course). It was a nice night to just relax a little bit, and spend time with people from the community.
As the blockpart began to wind down, Nike, one of our Thai friends, arrived. We don't really know Nike that well, David got him involved with the Coffee House last week, and he sang a John Denver song with Fon and David. We've only really seen Nike twice I believe. I say all that because Nike had just spent 2 hours on a bus to come to our cookout because he wanted to bring us all gifts that he and his mom had picked up at the market.
We were all pretty blown away. It was just awesome to see how even though we felt like we weren't really accomplishing very much through singing those songs, it brought this guy back to the church, and now he wants to spend more time with us; all because we included him in a song. His generosity was incredible, and we all agreed that none of our best friends back home would ever go half that out of the way for us.
We took Nike to the market and bought him dinner and hung out with him for a while, and then sent him on his way back home by bus. We all took cabs to the BFL and crawled into bed after a very long day.
Please be praying for Nike, that he would continue to hang out with us, and that we would be good friends to him, and that he would somehow see Christ through us, and desire a saving relationship with Christ.
Selfishly, please be praying for me. I don't know if I am allergic to something I am eating or what, but I've been having a lot of skin problems over the last 2 weeks, and they're just really annoying.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Are You Tired?
I believe the first English phrase that most Thais learn must be "Are you tired?" because all of us on the team get asked that question at all hours of the day-- everyday. Then again, most days the answer is "yes". There is something exhausting about being in a foreign culture; especially when you have to strain and think to understand anything anyone says, and you're constantly trying to remember the little bit of Thai that you've learned. Throw in the energy zapping sun, constant activities, and nearly zero alone time, and you have a recipe for exhaustion.
Last night was particularly exhausting as we hosted our second Coffee House event. Somehow I got roped in along with Emily to perform in a Thai dance for the Coffee House, and so for the last week I've been meeting with Pim, Wah, Emily, and two other Thais to learn this traditional dance. I laughed about it leading up to our first practice, but then I really struggled with a lot of frustration. It isn't easy learning how to move in all these different ways at the same time, while staying an appropriate distance from your partner, and staying on beat with the music. I was frustrated that I got roped into something that I didn't really want to be doing, and that it was turning out to be difficult.
The Holy Spirit really convicted me though, and I realized that learning a silly dance may seem like a waste of time to me, but God could use these four days of dance practices just as much as He could use me feeding the homeless.
Everyone on the team has been struggling a bit with feeling like we're really accomplishing anything here, or that we're doing something that we're really good at, or comfortable with. We spend a lot of our time making fools of ourselves. Something I've really had to remind myself is that God has me here for the summer for a reason, and even if I spend my entire summer learning songs and struggling to hold conversations with Thais, He wanted me here doing those exact things. It isn't up to me to figure out what I am supposed to accomplish here. I may not "accomplish" one thing the entire two months I am here by my standards, but I was doing what God had planned for me, and his ways are higher than my ways.
I've really started praying that God would continually have me in a state of uselessness if that is where I need to be to serve His purpose. I would much rather struggle with feeling like I am accomplishing anything, that I'm being effective, or that I'm wasting my time, than on my own strength find some project that I could take ownership of and use to build my own sense of righteousness. I would rather do 100 things poorly, but for the Lord, than find 1 thing that I can use to build my own glory here in Thailand.
I know that may not make sense, but I don't want to miss out on God's plan by locking myself away in a room doing something with which I feel comfortable rather than be out there making a fool of myself for Jesus, and thereby missing out on why I am really here. I'm not here to be good at something, to show people what I can accomplish, to say "look at me", but to serve the will of God.
Case in point, at the Coffee House last night I ended up singing two songs with the band, as well as performing the Thai dance in front of about 50 people. As you can imagine, that took a lot of dying to self as I don't sing or dance. The important thing is that we're getting people involved in the church's campus club, and being a little silly here goes a long way.
We ended up playing "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind; I love that song, and we've been randomly singing it throughout the trip, so it was fun to actually play it for the coffee house. Julie, Lyndsey, and I lead on vocals, while Tim, David, and Charin played drums, guitar, and bass respectively. Then the short-term group from Wisconsin played "Blessed Be Your Name" and their group asked that I help lead vocals since I had practiced with them when they were setting up.
There we some technical difficulties, and I was definitely nervous, so it could have gone a lot better, but it was fun nonetheless. Undoubtedly pictures will be surfacing on Facebook as Tukada was very excited to make fun of me.
Today, we were supposed to go to Mahattai and help with a sports camp, and then take all of the kids to a water park on the roof of one of the malls here (this mall also has a roller coaster that runs along the ceiling of the entire mall). Malls here are ridiculously large and abundant in number. However, with the short-term group being here, they no longer needed our group to help as there are about 30 people in their group. While I missed going to see the kids, and playing with them at the waterpark (who am I kidding, I wanted to play in the water park) I am very thankful for the extra hours of rest this morning, and for the ability to catch up on journaling, reading, and writing the devotional for New City Fellowship.
Well, I am finally starting to miss home. I've missed my family all along, but I am starting to miss the little things now too, like not eating rice three times a day, or being able to talk to anyone on the street. I miss bread. I miss hamburgers above all things. I would kill a cow myself and cook it if I came across one. Oh, and ketchup-- never take that condiment for granted; the Thai version is no comparison, and is a thin, runny, sickly sweet mess.
Additionally, I think I just realized college is over... about five minutes ago. I feel like I wasted my last year in a lot of ways. Then again, I feel like God was preparing me for life after college. I know what I want now, and I know what kind of people I want and need in my life. I am ready to trust God, and allow the Holy Spirit to fill me with peace in the day to day circumstances. I am done settling, both spiritually and circumstantially. I want to live life to the fullest in the everyday circumstances of life. Just because you're not in an "awesome" stage of life doesn't mean you can't live life in an awesome way.
Please continue to pray for the Church in Thailand; try to remember that only about 1 in 100 people here have a saving relationship with Christ. There are many people in Thailand that have never even heard of Jesus Christ. Pray for our team as we continue to develop relationships with university students; that we would have strength, patience, and that the Holy Spirit would give us the words to say to these people. Also pray for me as I begin to experience moments of wanting to be back in the States, that I would not become frustrated, annoyed, and angry with difficult circumstances (and food) ;). Additionally pray that God would give me peace about the past and the future, as I begin processing life post-grad.
Last night was particularly exhausting as we hosted our second Coffee House event. Somehow I got roped in along with Emily to perform in a Thai dance for the Coffee House, and so for the last week I've been meeting with Pim, Wah, Emily, and two other Thais to learn this traditional dance. I laughed about it leading up to our first practice, but then I really struggled with a lot of frustration. It isn't easy learning how to move in all these different ways at the same time, while staying an appropriate distance from your partner, and staying on beat with the music. I was frustrated that I got roped into something that I didn't really want to be doing, and that it was turning out to be difficult.
The Holy Spirit really convicted me though, and I realized that learning a silly dance may seem like a waste of time to me, but God could use these four days of dance practices just as much as He could use me feeding the homeless.
Everyone on the team has been struggling a bit with feeling like we're really accomplishing anything here, or that we're doing something that we're really good at, or comfortable with. We spend a lot of our time making fools of ourselves. Something I've really had to remind myself is that God has me here for the summer for a reason, and even if I spend my entire summer learning songs and struggling to hold conversations with Thais, He wanted me here doing those exact things. It isn't up to me to figure out what I am supposed to accomplish here. I may not "accomplish" one thing the entire two months I am here by my standards, but I was doing what God had planned for me, and his ways are higher than my ways.
I've really started praying that God would continually have me in a state of uselessness if that is where I need to be to serve His purpose. I would much rather struggle with feeling like I am accomplishing anything, that I'm being effective, or that I'm wasting my time, than on my own strength find some project that I could take ownership of and use to build my own sense of righteousness. I would rather do 100 things poorly, but for the Lord, than find 1 thing that I can use to build my own glory here in Thailand.
I know that may not make sense, but I don't want to miss out on God's plan by locking myself away in a room doing something with which I feel comfortable rather than be out there making a fool of myself for Jesus, and thereby missing out on why I am really here. I'm not here to be good at something, to show people what I can accomplish, to say "look at me", but to serve the will of God.
Case in point, at the Coffee House last night I ended up singing two songs with the band, as well as performing the Thai dance in front of about 50 people. As you can imagine, that took a lot of dying to self as I don't sing or dance. The important thing is that we're getting people involved in the church's campus club, and being a little silly here goes a long way.
We ended up playing "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind; I love that song, and we've been randomly singing it throughout the trip, so it was fun to actually play it for the coffee house. Julie, Lyndsey, and I lead on vocals, while Tim, David, and Charin played drums, guitar, and bass respectively. Then the short-term group from Wisconsin played "Blessed Be Your Name" and their group asked that I help lead vocals since I had practiced with them when they were setting up.
There we some technical difficulties, and I was definitely nervous, so it could have gone a lot better, but it was fun nonetheless. Undoubtedly pictures will be surfacing on Facebook as Tukada was very excited to make fun of me.
Today, we were supposed to go to Mahattai and help with a sports camp, and then take all of the kids to a water park on the roof of one of the malls here (this mall also has a roller coaster that runs along the ceiling of the entire mall). Malls here are ridiculously large and abundant in number. However, with the short-term group being here, they no longer needed our group to help as there are about 30 people in their group. While I missed going to see the kids, and playing with them at the waterpark (who am I kidding, I wanted to play in the water park) I am very thankful for the extra hours of rest this morning, and for the ability to catch up on journaling, reading, and writing the devotional for New City Fellowship.
Well, I am finally starting to miss home. I've missed my family all along, but I am starting to miss the little things now too, like not eating rice three times a day, or being able to talk to anyone on the street. I miss bread. I miss hamburgers above all things. I would kill a cow myself and cook it if I came across one. Oh, and ketchup-- never take that condiment for granted; the Thai version is no comparison, and is a thin, runny, sickly sweet mess.
Additionally, I think I just realized college is over... about five minutes ago. I feel like I wasted my last year in a lot of ways. Then again, I feel like God was preparing me for life after college. I know what I want now, and I know what kind of people I want and need in my life. I am ready to trust God, and allow the Holy Spirit to fill me with peace in the day to day circumstances. I am done settling, both spiritually and circumstantially. I want to live life to the fullest in the everyday circumstances of life. Just because you're not in an "awesome" stage of life doesn't mean you can't live life in an awesome way.
Please continue to pray for the Church in Thailand; try to remember that only about 1 in 100 people here have a saving relationship with Christ. There are many people in Thailand that have never even heard of Jesus Christ. Pray for our team as we continue to develop relationships with university students; that we would have strength, patience, and that the Holy Spirit would give us the words to say to these people. Also pray for me as I begin to experience moments of wanting to be back in the States, that I would not become frustrated, annoyed, and angry with difficult circumstances (and food) ;). Additionally pray that God would give me peace about the past and the future, as I begin processing life post-grad.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Jesus Paid It All
So, I've been thinking a lot lately about sin and its consequences. Sin has a way of ruining everything, but then again, I guess that's the point. Sin ruined everything, including our relationship with God.
Sin is so corrosive that when Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, they fashioned coverings out of fig leaves because they were embarrassed. Here are two people, maybe the only two people, who were literally created for one another. God saw that Adam was alone and that he needed a companion, and so he made Eve from Adam's rib. Eve was a very part of Adam. Yet, sin is so powerful that instantly the seeds of distrust, embarrassment, and insecurity were sewn.
Sin took two people made for each other, and drove them apart from each other and God. If it wasn't possible for Adam and Eve to trust each other, two people formed for one another by God, how much more difficult is it for us to trust people? We're supposed to let people into our lives and trust them, and we don't even have the assurance that they're "the one".
Then we look at the cross, and the sacrifice Christ made so that we could once again be in fellowship with God. Christ's death is powerful both in imagery and in its effect, but how often do we think of Christ's life? When Jesus paid it all the price he paid wasn't just death; it was His life.
Each one of us possess hopes and dreams, and perhaps they're unspoken, but they are there. I'm sure in Jesus' time the Jones' had the newest donkey on the street, Mary wanted to send her son to the best prep school, and Joseph was planning for retirement. Everything we spend our lives worrying (sinning) about, and planning wasn't even an option for Jesus.
Jesus gave up the Nazarene Dream for you and me. He gave up his childhood, the education, the construction business, the two donkeys in the garage, the wife and family, the weekends on the green. He saw our separation from God, and it wrecked Him. He had to do something; He paid the ultimate price.
I guess my point is that it wasn't a one time event. Jesus didn't just bebop it along until the garden of Gethsemane and that's when things got difficult. Sure, Jesus' death was a sacrifice, but so was His entire life. Jesus had emotions just like you and me, and every day was a choice for Him. He chose to live in order that He could die.
You and I will never know anyone who loves us that much. In order to be with me, he went up on the tree. He gave his body to the lonely. He gave his clothes. He gave up a wife and a family. He gave his goals.
It's powerful.
And all to Him I owe...
Sin is so corrosive that when Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, they fashioned coverings out of fig leaves because they were embarrassed. Here are two people, maybe the only two people, who were literally created for one another. God saw that Adam was alone and that he needed a companion, and so he made Eve from Adam's rib. Eve was a very part of Adam. Yet, sin is so powerful that instantly the seeds of distrust, embarrassment, and insecurity were sewn.
Then we look at the cross, and the sacrifice Christ made so that we could once again be in fellowship with God. Christ's death is powerful both in imagery and in its effect, but how often do we think of Christ's life? When Jesus paid it all the price he paid wasn't just death; it was His life.
Each one of us possess hopes and dreams, and perhaps they're unspoken, but they are there. I'm sure in Jesus' time the Jones' had the newest donkey on the street, Mary wanted to send her son to the best prep school, and Joseph was planning for retirement. Everything we spend our lives worrying (sinning) about, and planning wasn't even an option for Jesus.
Jesus gave up the Nazarene Dream for you and me. He gave up his childhood, the education, the construction business, the two donkeys in the garage, the wife and family, the weekends on the green. He saw our separation from God, and it wrecked Him. He had to do something; He paid the ultimate price.
I guess my point is that it wasn't a one time event. Jesus didn't just bebop it along until the garden of Gethsemane and that's when things got difficult. Sure, Jesus' death was a sacrifice, but so was His entire life. Jesus had emotions just like you and me, and every day was a choice for Him. He chose to live in order that He could die.
You and I will never know anyone who loves us that much. In order to be with me, he went up on the tree. He gave his body to the lonely. He gave his clothes. He gave up a wife and a family. He gave his goals.
It's powerful.
And all to Him I owe...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Week 3
It is so crazy to realize that we've been here for going on three weeks now. In some ways it feels like I have been gone forever, and in others it seems like I just arrived here in Bangkok.
I am sitting in Coffee Today drinking my Thai Tea and eating a waffle, something that has become a vital morning ritual. They say that culture shock results from the interruption of every day routines, and the absence of things familiar; so I very quickly established some routines in my Thai life, and Coffee Today is an important one.
It is the little things that keep you going everyday. Starting each day with my waffle and a good hour of alone time is important; along with evening runs through King's Park, and the knowledge that there is a Dairy Queen within walking distance of my apartment. Too many nights have ended with an Oreo Blizzard from the DQ.
Rice has become an integral component of my diet; it's pretty much the foundation of every meal here. Sticky rice is pretty much my favorite, it's just like regular rice, but kind of clumped together, and somehow that makes it taste better.
Despite the DQ, I've definitely been losing weight since I arrived here. Yet, somehow I've never felt more consistently full on a daily basis. It has to be all the rice. It expands in your stomach.
The crazy thing is, whenever we have American food (2 or 3 times now) I always feel so gross afterward: sickly full; lethargic. I've been thinking a lot about food lately. Fastfood is just horrible for you; it's poison, and I don't understand why I ever eat it. You should check out this link and just read a bit about the fastfood industry. Anyone who sells food that contains the same chemicals as silicone caulk... well, they shouldn't be allowed to do business.
It just makes me sad to realize how toxic our food is becoming, and how much waste is created by the food industry; add in the fact that millions of Americans are dumping their unused drugs into their toilets and drains, thereby contaminating the water supply with hormones and chemicals... It is just overwhelming to realize it is almost impossible to be healthy in this day and age. We've decided we want everything as fast, cheap, and easy as possible, and as a result we are killing ourselves and our environment.
You guys know me; I am not some crazy environmentalist, but once you take a step back and look at our culture, you can see how ridiculous it really has become. I can't help but wonder what God would say about all of this mess. We know that chemical companies that dump their waste into rivers are wrong, and we prosecute them, and yet we do nothing as millions of food items are served with dangerous chemicals as ingredients. Did you know that the "bacon" served by McDonald's has 18 "ingredients"?
Sorry guys, I promise to post something more relavant soon. I'm not really sure how this turned into a thing about food, but it has just been on my mind for the last few days. I have been thinking a lot about Jesus, and his life and death, and what that means to me. I'll write about that next time. ;)
I am sitting in Coffee Today drinking my Thai Tea and eating a waffle, something that has become a vital morning ritual. They say that culture shock results from the interruption of every day routines, and the absence of things familiar; so I very quickly established some routines in my Thai life, and Coffee Today is an important one.
It is the little things that keep you going everyday. Starting each day with my waffle and a good hour of alone time is important; along with evening runs through King's Park, and the knowledge that there is a Dairy Queen within walking distance of my apartment. Too many nights have ended with an Oreo Blizzard from the DQ.
Rice has become an integral component of my diet; it's pretty much the foundation of every meal here. Sticky rice is pretty much my favorite, it's just like regular rice, but kind of clumped together, and somehow that makes it taste better.
Despite the DQ, I've definitely been losing weight since I arrived here. Yet, somehow I've never felt more consistently full on a daily basis. It has to be all the rice. It expands in your stomach.
The crazy thing is, whenever we have American food (2 or 3 times now) I always feel so gross afterward: sickly full; lethargic. I've been thinking a lot about food lately. Fastfood is just horrible for you; it's poison, and I don't understand why I ever eat it. You should check out this link and just read a bit about the fastfood industry. Anyone who sells food that contains the same chemicals as silicone caulk... well, they shouldn't be allowed to do business.
You guys know me; I am not some crazy environmentalist, but once you take a step back and look at our culture, you can see how ridiculous it really has become. I can't help but wonder what God would say about all of this mess. We know that chemical companies that dump their waste into rivers are wrong, and we prosecute them, and yet we do nothing as millions of food items are served with dangerous chemicals as ingredients. Did you know that the "bacon" served by McDonald's has 18 "ingredients"?
Sorry guys, I promise to post something more relavant soon. I'm not really sure how this turned into a thing about food, but it has just been on my mind for the last few days. I have been thinking a lot about Jesus, and his life and death, and what that means to me. I'll write about that next time. ;)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
A Broken Heart
I've been thinking about motivations lately. It is kind of random, but something I have really been struggling with lately I suppose. I tend to spend a lot of time in thought, looking at my heart and actions; looking at the actions of others; interpreting those actions. Everything can be figured out simply by examining it closely, or at least it is easy to feel that way. I am a fairly observant person; I know when people hurt, I tend to pick up on what motivates my friends, and I remember important dates and periods of their lives.
If I am not careful, I can sit back and analyze everything into oblivion. Instead of simply letting things take their course, and talking to people, and actually hearing their stories, I can decide how people feel without ever letting them tell me.
I had to realize that some people don't want to tell you anything, and that doesn't mean it is up to you to figure them out. You simply can't figure some people out, and it isn't my job to try.
My last month in the states was really hard for me in so many different ways. I don't think I really realized how much of a toll it took on me until I got to Bangkok. Ever since I got here, I haven't really felt anything except relief. I am so thankful for the peace that God has given me about graduating, friendships, family, and His love for me, but at the same time, I am concerned.
I am in a foreign country, surrounded by strangers, only a handful of people speak my language, and I am completely okay with it. I haven't had any problems adjusting, I feel completely fine here; there's almost a sense of relief in not being known by anyone here.
I can see myself just being. There's something to be said for simply existing in time and space; no complications, no relationships, no responsibilities, and no emotion. Buddhists are continually seeking a state of nirvana. Nirvana is described as a place or state characterized by freedom from or oblivion to pain, worry, and the external world. In some ways, it feels as though somehow I have achieved that state. Not in a Buddhist sense, but simply being free of all of these earthly entanglements.
So, I've been struggling with why I feel this way. Why do I not miss any of my friends? Why do I not miss the US at all? More importantly, why am I not moved to anger by the situations here in Thailand? Why does my heart not break while visiting the slums? Why did I feel so dissatisfied with life in the States, and yet feel nothing while I am here in Thailand.
Is it perhaps a defensive response from the last weeks of school? Perhaps I am just too tired of caring about people and places, and hurting for them.
This brings me to my real question: do I really care about anyone besides myself? What if everything I ever did for anyone was based off of some selfish need for others to think that I was a good person, and therefore reward me with their friendship.
What if in my heart of hearts I wished misfortune on my friends, who all seem to get everything they want, so that they would better know what it is like to be me? What if I really only wanted my friends to be happy if it involved me?
What if I very rarely felt genuine sadness for others, or compassion? At what point does it matter that all of your actions are based out of a sense of duty or belief rather than any kind of emotional response?
Is it better to help someone because you simply believe it is the right thing to do, or because you are moved emotionally by their situation to a point that you have no other option but to help?
Do motivations even matter? Do deeds done with a sense of obligation or even resentment mean any less than those done out of compassion? Could a deed done in resentment mean more since it was done nonetheless?
It would be a harder life for the man called to a life of service but given no measure of compassion than that of the man who felt connected to all of humanity. Doesn't the measure of an accomplishment come from its difficulty to achieve; therefore would it not be more meaningful for that man to perform an act of compassion than the action of a truly compassionate man?
Do you just stop trying when all of your motivations are impure, and all you ever accomplish is hurting everyone you love? How do you develop meaningful relationships with people when you're incapable of truly loving people?
It is a lot to process, and I haven't had enough free time here to really give it much thought; only formulate these questions. It is definitely something I will continue to pray about, and reflect upon. In the meantime, pray that God will break my heart once again, and show me the true motivations of my heart.
If I am not careful, I can sit back and analyze everything into oblivion. Instead of simply letting things take their course, and talking to people, and actually hearing their stories, I can decide how people feel without ever letting them tell me.
I had to realize that some people don't want to tell you anything, and that doesn't mean it is up to you to figure them out. You simply can't figure some people out, and it isn't my job to try.
My last month in the states was really hard for me in so many different ways. I don't think I really realized how much of a toll it took on me until I got to Bangkok. Ever since I got here, I haven't really felt anything except relief. I am so thankful for the peace that God has given me about graduating, friendships, family, and His love for me, but at the same time, I am concerned.
I am in a foreign country, surrounded by strangers, only a handful of people speak my language, and I am completely okay with it. I haven't had any problems adjusting, I feel completely fine here; there's almost a sense of relief in not being known by anyone here.I can see myself just being. There's something to be said for simply existing in time and space; no complications, no relationships, no responsibilities, and no emotion. Buddhists are continually seeking a state of nirvana. Nirvana is described as a place or state characterized by freedom from or oblivion to pain, worry, and the external world. In some ways, it feels as though somehow I have achieved that state. Not in a Buddhist sense, but simply being free of all of these earthly entanglements.
So, I've been struggling with why I feel this way. Why do I not miss any of my friends? Why do I not miss the US at all? More importantly, why am I not moved to anger by the situations here in Thailand? Why does my heart not break while visiting the slums? Why did I feel so dissatisfied with life in the States, and yet feel nothing while I am here in Thailand.
Is it perhaps a defensive response from the last weeks of school? Perhaps I am just too tired of caring about people and places, and hurting for them.
This brings me to my real question: do I really care about anyone besides myself? What if everything I ever did for anyone was based off of some selfish need for others to think that I was a good person, and therefore reward me with their friendship.
What if in my heart of hearts I wished misfortune on my friends, who all seem to get everything they want, so that they would better know what it is like to be me? What if I really only wanted my friends to be happy if it involved me?
What if I very rarely felt genuine sadness for others, or compassion? At what point does it matter that all of your actions are based out of a sense of duty or belief rather than any kind of emotional response?
Is it better to help someone because you simply believe it is the right thing to do, or because you are moved emotionally by their situation to a point that you have no other option but to help?
Do motivations even matter? Do deeds done with a sense of obligation or even resentment mean any less than those done out of compassion? Could a deed done in resentment mean more since it was done nonetheless?
It would be a harder life for the man called to a life of service but given no measure of compassion than that of the man who felt connected to all of humanity. Doesn't the measure of an accomplishment come from its difficulty to achieve; therefore would it not be more meaningful for that man to perform an act of compassion than the action of a truly compassionate man?
Do you just stop trying when all of your motivations are impure, and all you ever accomplish is hurting everyone you love? How do you develop meaningful relationships with people when you're incapable of truly loving people?
It is a lot to process, and I haven't had enough free time here to really give it much thought; only formulate these questions. It is definitely something I will continue to pray about, and reflect upon. In the meantime, pray that God will break my heart once again, and show me the true motivations of my heart.
Joy Kids
Saturday we went to Mahatthai where we put on a little program every Saturday called "Joy Kids". It is basically VBS condensed into a one hour segment. It was great to see all the kids come running down the streets to meet together in the little community house that New City Fellowship built for the "neighborhood" as we came driving up.
We started by singing songs; we started with Thai songs, and then taught the kids some English songs such as deep and wide, and another one with which I was not familiar. Then Keow, one of the Thai ladies from the church, led a story-time where she told the kids about Jesus calming the stormy waters.
For crafts the kids had a coloring activity where they drew things that they were afraid of, and then drew Jesus in a boat with them. It was so funny to see of what all these kids were afraid. Many of them depicted a large bird; Keow later told us they were afraid of eagles, which is odd considering there are no eagles in Thailand. Many kids were also afraid of spirits, which I suppose is to be expected in a culture that involves spirit worship.
Speaking of spirits, it has been so crazy to hear some of the stories of spiritual warfare in this country. I guess spiritual warfare is something I really haven't given serious thought back in the states, but it is very much real, and something Christians experience in these darker regions.
In C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters Lewis says something along the lines that "Satan's greatest lie is that he doesn't exist" and that is something that has really been resonating with me lately.
Satan isn't really a reality in the US, he is just a cartoon character in red tights with a pitchfork and a pointy tail. In reality, he is so much more, and he exists, and wants nothing more than to see Christians fall. How can we fight an enemy we don't even allow ourselves to see?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Things Are Different Here
We had an hour long prayer meeting at New City Fellowship yesterday; it was a great time of worship and group prayer. Thais pray a bit differently than we do back in the states. Generally we pray several times throughout the course of the meeting, and pray is broken up with worship. When Thais have group prayer, everyone prays at once out loud. It definitely takes some getting used to, but it is pretty neat.
Another wake up call came yesterday. During the prayer meeting one woman asked that we be praying for one of the families in Mahatthai.
Towards the end of our prayer meetings we take prayer requests from all of those in attendance. The prayer requests are not all that different than those back home, families struggling financially, sickness, prayers for the nation, but one thing has slowly occurred to me throughout our prayer meetings.
Almost every Thai has a friend, family member, or coworker that they're praying for because they are asking questions about Christianity, or they feel that God is working on their hearts. It is often a slow process, sometimes taking years, but God is working on these Thais, challenging them to examine their beliefs. I guess what really amazes me is that in 23 years of attending church, I cannot really think of very many times anyone has asked for the church to pray for a specific person's salvation. I feel as if we don't generally concern ourselves with the salvation of our coworker, or at least we don''t publicly pray about it. I don't know, I just realized how complacent we become in America; especially in the South. We kind of assume everyone is a Christian, or that their salvation in their own business, and it would be rude to pry.
In Thailand, only 1 percent of the people are Christians. Could you imagine if only 1 out of 100 people you knew were Christian? Wouldn't you be praying for so many of your friends, coworkers, and family? The truth is that so many of the "Christians" in our lives don't' really have a saving faith, they go to church on Easter and Christmas, and somehow that satisfies us. We should be on our knees continually, praying that God would break our hearts, and theirs.
The family is really struggling with debt, and cannot pay their loans and living expenses. The mother wants to sell their 9 year old daughter.
This of course was distressing to me, but in my naivety I assumed it was simply like selling a girl to a family that wanted a child.
That's when it became clear that the mother wanted to sell her 9 year old daughter into prostitution. This is something that I can't even wrap my mind around. A mother would be desperate enough to sell her daughter into the sex trade, and that legally, there is nothing that can be done about it. You can't call social services, it doesn't exist. You can't call the police, because while there are laws against it at that age, they are not enforced.
I can't even imagine this happening in the US, and I guess it does, but you never hear about it. I just can't even comprehend how a mother gets to the point where she is willing to sell her child into the worse possible lifestyle ever, for monetary gain. It just shows the depravity of the human heart without Christ's redeeming love.
I've been thinking of the song "God of This City" something we sang a lot at The Journey. It is so easy to sit in a chair in a church in Jackson, MS and feel like God is the God of our city. Being here in Bangkok has challenged all of that for me, and it makes me think of these lyrics, and realize that God is the God of every city, even this fallen, depraved place...
Downtown
Second update of the day; bear with me as I am trying to catch up with today.
Tuesday was our day off, and we decided to visit downtown Bangkok. We took a bus to the outskirts of downtown where we visited Wapato, a Buddhist temple, had lunch on the river, and then took a boat further into Bangkok. We got off the boat and hit the mainland, but not for long; soon we were riding high in the sky-train through the city.
Downtown Bangkok is much cleaner than the area where we are living, and offers such amenities as Starbucks and McDonalds, two chains that are familiar, and yet oddly different on this side of the world. We spent most of our day touring the city, shopping in the little markets, and figuring out where we wanted to eat next.
We passed through all of the areas that were filled with protesters and military personnel only a week before, and saw all the burned out malls and theaters. It was pretty incredible to see the second largest mall in Asia (and these malls are pretty huge) completely burned out. Nothing but a shell, a stark reminder of the chaos and destruction in central Bangkok, and the broken spirit of many Thai nationals.
The remainder of the week was spent playing badminton, futsol, basketball, and ping-pong with students on campus, as well as visiting the swamp slums (or no income villages) of Mahatthai where the church puts on a VBS style program every Saturday called "Joy Kids".
Our team has been blessed with the opportunity to hear the testimonies of a few Thai church members, as well as participate in staff prayer meetings. I was impressed with Fon's testimony and how when she was a non-Christian she noticed the love that Christians have for one another and others. She didn't understand where that love came from, but wanted to experience it, and to love others as the Christians did.
It has been really awesome to see how important prayer is at New City Fellowship. We've been involved in several prayer meetings in our time here in Thailand, and has been neat to see the entire staff and leadership come together to worship, share, and pray.
Tuesday, once again, was our day off, and Tim ended up taking us back downtown where we visited the Bangkok Bible Seminary and had lunch with one of the professors. Tim took us to an Art gallery located in an old church downtown, and then we headed over to the National Art Museum.
Wednesday was spent around the church helping out, attending prayer meetings, and watching a DVD on Christian Leadership. We all went in different directions Wednesday night, some heading over to the campus, others to Mahatthai for English classes, and I headed over to Mahatthai park with Fon and Tim to play basketball and run the track a few times.
Today, after group time, we headed over to the church for a prayer meeting. We've been spending a lot of time planning for a short-term team that is coming in two weeks. I've been working on a plan for using their team to do some renovations to the church facility, as well as preparing for a little Sunday School class that David and I will be teaching this Sunday.
Throughout my office time this afternoon I spoke with Dave (the pastor here) and he encouraged me to begin working on a 6-Week Bible study on finding our identity in Christ, which is really timely given that God has been teaching me so much about that very thing this past year. Dave also asked me to begin working on a devotion for each day of July; so I'll be writing 31 devotions on the beatitudes... soon.
I am really excited about this opportunity, but also very intimidated as I have never done anything like this, and realizing that this material will be used within this church now and in the future... It is a lot to process. Please be praying for me with that whole project, and I'll keep you all updated on the progress.
Tonight we're hitting the campus, and headed back over to Mahatthai for more English ministry.
Tuesday was our day off, and we decided to visit downtown Bangkok. We took a bus to the outskirts of downtown where we visited Wapato, a Buddhist temple, had lunch on the river, and then took a boat further into Bangkok. We got off the boat and hit the mainland, but not for long; soon we were riding high in the sky-train through the city.
We passed through all of the areas that were filled with protesters and military personnel only a week before, and saw all the burned out malls and theaters. It was pretty incredible to see the second largest mall in Asia (and these malls are pretty huge) completely burned out. Nothing but a shell, a stark reminder of the chaos and destruction in central Bangkok, and the broken spirit of many Thai nationals.
The remainder of the week was spent playing badminton, futsol, basketball, and ping-pong with students on campus, as well as visiting the swamp slums (or no income villages) of Mahatthai where the church puts on a VBS style program every Saturday called "Joy Kids".
Our team has been blessed with the opportunity to hear the testimonies of a few Thai church members, as well as participate in staff prayer meetings. I was impressed with Fon's testimony and how when she was a non-Christian she noticed the love that Christians have for one another and others. She didn't understand where that love came from, but wanted to experience it, and to love others as the Christians did.
It has been really awesome to see how important prayer is at New City Fellowship. We've been involved in several prayer meetings in our time here in Thailand, and has been neat to see the entire staff and leadership come together to worship, share, and pray.
Tuesday, once again, was our day off, and Tim ended up taking us back downtown where we visited the Bangkok Bible Seminary and had lunch with one of the professors. Tim took us to an Art gallery located in an old church downtown, and then we headed over to the National Art Museum.
Wednesday was spent around the church helping out, attending prayer meetings, and watching a DVD on Christian Leadership. We all went in different directions Wednesday night, some heading over to the campus, others to Mahatthai for English classes, and I headed over to Mahatthai park with Fon and Tim to play basketball and run the track a few times.
Today, after group time, we headed over to the church for a prayer meeting. We've been spending a lot of time planning for a short-term team that is coming in two weeks. I've been working on a plan for using their team to do some renovations to the church facility, as well as preparing for a little Sunday School class that David and I will be teaching this Sunday.
Throughout my office time this afternoon I spoke with Dave (the pastor here) and he encouraged me to begin working on a 6-Week Bible study on finding our identity in Christ, which is really timely given that God has been teaching me so much about that very thing this past year. Dave also asked me to begin working on a devotion for each day of July; so I'll be writing 31 devotions on the beatitudes... soon.
I am really excited about this opportunity, but also very intimidated as I have never done anything like this, and realizing that this material will be used within this church now and in the future... It is a lot to process. Please be praying for me with that whole project, and I'll keep you all updated on the progress.
Tonight we're hitting the campus, and headed back over to Mahatthai for more English ministry.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Coffee House
I have updated the layout of the blog for what I promise will be the last time. I added a little header that I made from a picture I took at Wapato, which is a Buddhist temple in downtown Bangkok. You can also find a link to my flikr photostream, and below that you'll notice links to my teammate's blogs.
Monday was our coffee house (pictures forthcoming) and it went really well. The coffee house is what we spent our first Monday here promoting on campus, and so it was awesome to see the fruit of all that labor. We had a great turnout: about 40 students. Once again we played some ridiculous games, sang some Thai songs, served the Thais dinner, and tried to get to know some of the Thai students. We also introduced the Thais to some American music by way of "Twist and Shout" and "Johnny Be Good" as performed by David Banner and The Farangs, a band comprised of David Banner, Trey Adams, Tim Mills, John Bowles, Lyndsey Janelle, and myself.
I made several connections with some Thai students that night, and as a result, will be tutoring a group of three Thais in English every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday on the campus. It is a little intimidating as I have never really taught before, but I am excited about the opportunity, and hope to pick up some more Thai throughout the process.
I think the night was very successful, and a load of fun. I hope that many of the students will continue to participate in our club, and come to our retreat later this summer.
The coffee house was also great because it inspired our team to be thinking of new and fun events we can host for the students over the next few weeks. It'll be interesting to see what we end up doing in the future.
Tim (our official team leader) is back from the United States, and with that Trey has departed. In a lot of ways Trey felt like our group leader, so it was sad to see him go, but I am excited about getting to know Tim, and our group getting more involved around the area now. Group time every morning has also been a blessing, and a challenge at times.
Our team is really laid back, and we all get along really well, which is such a blessing. I really enjoy everyone on the team, and am looking forward to getting to know everyone even better throughout the summer.
Well, I just finished my green tea, and should probably hit the donut shop before heading back for group time. I'll fill you guys in about down Bangkok and the rest of the past week later tonight. Thank you for your continued prayers.
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